what it takes to make me blog again......

i am tired.  dog tired.  on a hot. summer. day.  i know that i should be making dinner, but who even wants to do that when it is so hot outside?  and inside.  i dont run my air conditioner coz it is just too danged expensive.....i should be tidying up, but again, who wants to do that?  too hot, and too boring......i could go take a walk--oh yeah, did i mention it is hot?  e-mails checked, facebook visited and even bingo doesnt sound like fun right now.   i have about 20 more inches to bind on providence's quilt, i have frank and stephanie's new baby quilt ready to hand bind.....a brand new quiltalong started today at patchworktimes with judy laquaderra (slaughtered the spelling i know) and i thought i was REALLY looking forward to doing it.....but, nope.   not. today.  

nothing sounds good.  i am just tired.  plain old tired.

i started doing hospice for a 95 yr. old man.  it has been great, but i do the night shift.  from 7 pm to 6 am.  my poor body isnt used to this yet--especially when life still goes on in the day.  well, it is supposed to anyway.  but right now, today, i just am sortof vegetative.  thought that atleast i could blog a bit.....but nope, not even this is sounding good right now.  i was hoping that it would bring me out of my little funk i have going today.

i guess i need another nap.  after all, 7 is going to be here before i know it....maybe i will get to really blog something tonite--with some pictures.....

out with the old, in with the new!!!

look what i did instead of fretting like i was gonna do!!!

i love mental health!!!  the old me would have just simmered away on how angry i was at kevin.  the new me processes that i am not god.  i process that others are in different stages than i am, and they see things differently than i do.  while i do firmly believe that kevin is as toxic as can be, and  totally passive/aggressive, and that my girls are being sucked into being his enablers now, there really isn't anything that i can do about it.  and,  even though i have learned that i got in God's way when He was wanting to deal with kevin, the girls havent learned that yet.  they havent learned that they are doing more harm than good.  they really believe that they are helping--just like i used to believe......

so, instead of stewing, i processed.  and, i did something way cool with my chair!  dont you just love the black chair?  i have been wanting to paint and re-seat those chairs for the LONGEST time!!!  instead of stewing about kevin and his passive aggressive behavior and my girls being sucked into his awful vortex, i decided to get moving on my day and to do something PRODUCTIVE!!!  so, finally got around to doing atleast one of my chairs.

i am in love with the staple gun.  i made the cutest curtain for an ugly gorilla rack storage area/cutting table by just primitively stapling some tea stained plaid fabric to it.....i have a foot stool that a great uncle made that is getting recovered today.....but it's base still needs painting.


i will get that and other chair painted tomorrow....and hopefully a hutch top too that is going on an old table to make a desk.....i am having the best time working on fixing things up and using what i have.....and also using the new tools that i have in my mental health toolbox!  using what i have!!   tweaking the old into become new and improved......YEAH!!!!

one way of downsizing......

we moved from a rental house that we had been in for over 17 years to a house we owned.  in that move, a box was lost that contained alot of beleek china.  some of it i purchased, but some of it my sister brought back from ireland.  there was also several pieces of china that had the beatrice potter motifs on them as well as a bunch of other glass items, some silk flowers and a huge vintage crowley cottage cheese can and aluminum tea kettle.....i had never found it during the stay in our home we bought.

 i was there for 3 1/2 years and even during the move to my new (rental) home, i was not coming across that box.  finally, as we were cleaning out the garage i spotted what i thought was it and voila!  yep, there it was!

 i had a sudden flash of remembering that i thought i had heard that box DROP when we moved out of the old old house.  i remember thinking i could not face opening it, just in case it WAS that box that had dropped so it did not come into the house.  and, there it had sat in the garage, hidden for a very long time.....only to be moved to THIS new garage for a while......but, i am really working hard on getting things gone through.....so......

 FINALLY today i had the courage to open that box.  yep.  yep, it HAD dropped.  yep, yep, MANY of the pieces were broken even though i had wrapped them.  yep, yep, my heart lurched, but not nearly as badly as i thought it would.  i set the broken things aside and focused on what was still intact.  i may choose to fix 2 of the things that broke, but only 2.  the rest will just go into the trash....

for me, that is a huge thing.  i hold so dearly so many memories tied to things.  i am really learning to let go of alot of stuff.  as i find myself clearing out belongings, i also find myself clearing out the clutter in my heart, mind and soul.  lots of junk getting kicked to the curb  ;o)  i am finding that i am really happy with what is staying.  inside my home, inside myself.....

downsizing.  just another way of downsizing.

i thought i was done with this part of my life.....

i am sitting along side the bed of kevin in the emergency room.  he attempted suicide again tonight.  i actually believe that he is really just calling out for attention again, but who am i to say?  i did believe that this part of my life had been over though.....apparently not......since here i sit.....

i am glad that God has worked in my heart, and has kept it semi-soft so that i am able to be here.

i just can not imagine totally destroying my life, like kevin has his. but, then, i am mentally healthy, so of course i cant imagine doing it.  i make better choices, so that my life is not destroyed.....i do know that he believed that his and kathy's love was wonderful and real, and worth giving everything up for....but, apparently they are now "done" and live apart..... i believe he is broken hearted over it though.  i can not imagine the loneliness--the absolute aloneness that he must feel.   he says that is not all that is wrong though....i just know that he has a very long way to go to mental health.....

and, so, here i sit, along side his bed. because i believe it is the right thing to do.   his vitals are all good.  he will probably just sleep it off, and then go to behavioral health.....meanwhile, his family sifts and sorts thru their feelings....

i feel sad for my kids having grown up with this......

changes and rebuilding....

yes, lots of changes,  in my relationships, my home, and my quilting.  rebuilding takes such an awful lot of work and time, but i am still plugging away. and it IS therapeutic!  i am soooo much happier in this new house, and in my new life. 

 i just came in for a break from my work in my.....i am going to have to come up with a name instead of garage, and i don't really like studio....but, from THAT area LOL  sure is shaping up and i know i am going to really enjoy my space once i get it set up.  i think it is just that it came nearly last.  my bedroom is last  ;o(  but, you cant do everything at once.  knowing that is different than accepting that though LOL  i just keep reminding myself that though, and keep taking a look around and seeing the emptied boxes flattened and stacked up and the cuteness that is surrounding me, and i am satisfied.

i have been doing a lot of piecing lately.  THAT has been really satisfying.  the piecing sewing area has shaped up quickly and nicely and i like being in there--ALOT!  i think though, that it is just a filler for not getting to what i really need to be doing......starting that business!  

WANT to quilt as a business.  i am just afraid to put myself out there.  like i will be exposed for being a fraud, thinking i can do something that i clearly can't.  totally stupid thinking, because i know i CAN, and DO do nice work.  i believe i would be able to do it, and be reliable but i just can't seem to take that deep plunge into the water for fear of drowning.  paralysis seems to be better for me than drowning it would seem.  that is really gonna have to change!  i need some income!  and, i really do not want to go out there and get a "real" job.  so, i am going to have to have someone just drag me into it......

break is over, got some more i want to get done out there, and then hopefully am going to even load a quilt today and do some practice work on a cheater quilt.  it will be nice to see how my space works  instead of just how it looks.   i think i am going to really enjoy  it actually.  i think it is going to become my sanctuary.  my retreat  ;o)  i am tingling with anticipation now, where before i just had dread.....hip hip hooray!!!

facing some fears and changing some voices.....

i KNOW i am strong.  i KNOW i have faced (and overcome!!!)  soooooo many fears in the past few years, i actually amaze myself when i see who i am now.  i mean, i can fill out court papers like the best of them and stand down a greasy little fat lying weasel of an attorney in court.  i rented a house!!!  i've got utilities in my own name!!!  i am a mom of 11 for god's sake!!!!

so, why can't i believe in myself enough to sell some of my quilts?  to actually start finding customers to do some long arm quilting for?  to attempt to do some really great custom stuff on my machine?  i still listen to those old voices that tell me that i am a fraud.  that i am deluding myself into thinking that i have a talent and gift......that what i do has no real value, especially none worth someone actually paying good money for.....i am afraid to put a price on something for fear that i will......will what??!!

fail.

so, i have a growing pile of  quilts and blankets......

SPRING!!!

i LOVE spring! after a long, cold winter, the circle continues and it is now just bursting with new life!  new promises of lovely things, new hope.

i think today, the first day of spring,  is such a fitting day to begin writing again.  because that is where i am in my life--SPRING!!!  a whole new chapter starts--

we moved out of the brawley road house and into a beautiful new one on march 1st.  this is sooooo different for us.  i have not had close neighbors in 30 years.  our last house (of 3 years) had us on 2 1/2 acres, and the one before that had us on 5.  the new house is probably on an eighth of a acre if even that.  the area is really nice with all of the schools being walked to instead of the bus.  we are at the end of a cul-de-sac and have a little parkway that runs between the streets that leads to the park and school.  there are lit gazebos and picnic tables along the parkway.  i am in love with having grass right out my door that i do not have to take care of!!!  there are always families, groups of people, or people alone walking, jogging, walking dogs, bike riding etc. down the walkway.  it is a multicultural area and so nice to see people using and enjoying their neighborhood.

there are 4 fifth graders on our street now that tadhgain is here!  that has been an answer to prayer!  friends for tadhgain......and a few 8th graders for caoin as well, but he is not as outgoing, so has yet to meet them.  he is also finishing his 8th grade year at his old school as is one of the other boys, so they don't all go to school together yet......

there is ALOT of finishing to do in settling in here.  going from a 3000 sq ft house to less than 2000 is pretty tough.  especially for me and all of my sewing stuff.  boy howdy do i ever need to get a handle on THAT!  and, sadly, there was not room for my long arm machine inside the house, so it is set up in the garage.....that makes me VERY sad.....it also  tells me that we will not be in this house for very long--atleast a year, but who knows how much longer than that.....

before, that would have scared me.  it was VERY scary for me to get a house on my own.  i have always been with kevin or my parents.  i was never on my own.  and, i wasn't on my own this time either--God was surely with me.  it is really a miracle that we are in this house.  i know it is where i belong for now.