my, how i've grown!

this is exciting for me to post about because it was a process that i went thru without even really realizing it, which means that i am implementing the tools that i have been acquiring in overcoming some things that i want to change in myself--so much more than just picking a sweater pattern to knit like it would seem on the surface....

when we were in ireland recently, we had a dickens of a time finding any yarn shops in dublin that were either opened or near enough to go to on public transportation.  i was surprised to find that in a city the size of dublin, that there were only 4 shops listen in the phone book.....however, while we were shopping on grafton street, we went into the mall there that was 3 stories tall, and we saw some yarn in a window advertising a woven and knitwear shop further down the mall, BUT, there was a price tag on the hank of yarn, so, off i scurried to find that shop with kevin following behind, with not nearly as much enthusiasm as i had about the quest for irish wool yarn....after all, i had gotten yarn for a sweater the last time we were in ireland, and that sweater has yet to materialize....and, let me tell you, irish wool is a bit pricey.....anyway, off on my quest for my yarn.....

be still my beating heart!  there it was, a basket full of yummy colors of beautiful irish wool yarn hanks.  kevin strolled around and was, i think, bored by it all.  i was drooling.  decisions, decisions....the cream--VERY traditional for an irish sweater, or the gorgeous dark green with the blues and golds in it? ( that is darker than it looks in the picture)kevin, who knows what a slob i am, helps me decide that the green will be the best choice--for the sweater that he no doubt has concerns that will even ever be knit.....but, he graciously buys me the gorgeous wool.  like i said, it is a bit pricey, and he did mention that i could buy a sweater that was already knit for much less than the yarn would cost, and i would have a FINISHED sweater....because, he knows me so well, he does also know that the likely-hood of this yarn actually becoming a finished sweater, if going from past history, has a VERY slim chance of reality.   BUT, it comes home with me--4 whole hanks of beautiful dark green with flecks of blues and golds....so gorgeous....

i dream about this yarn.,..i can't wait to start knitting it.  to touch it, to hold it, to feel it sliding thru my fingers as it becomes something beautifully cabled....ah...the process of  the journey of knitting is the experience that fulfills me....it isn't about the finished project.  BUT, this one i did vow to finish right??  now,to choose a pattern.....that was a doozy....i poured thru the internet looking at the patterns.  of course i had to pick one that would be easy, because it would have to be done perfectly.  i struggle with perfection, and of being judged on my finished products.  that is why there are so many un-finished projects--my fear of being judged as a fraud of a knitter, or quilter, or signer....or anything....if things are in transition and unfinished, you can not be judged poorly, because you have not stated on the world that you have deemed it completed.....i know that many of us struggle with that, but it is something that i really want to overcome....but....

i settled in on one from knitty.com called   BPT  It was beautiful, but sorta easy.  no seams.  simple, and raglan sleeves, a hoody, zippered....printed out the pattern....but decided that i was selling myself short, plus, there was a part that did look a teeny pinch  tricky, and, did i REALLY want to use this yarn for that???  so, off to look some more...found a great one at bernat called cosy cable hooded cardigan.(sorry, no link, but google it, it is GREAT!)   similar to the first one, this one did have seams--set in sleeves, still had a cabled hoody, still zippered....ah..it had a chart.  i don't know how to read charts.  i don't have the confidence in myself that i can read a chart.  lets go back to the other pattern.

NO!! let's NOT go back to the other pattern.  let's, instead, go find one that i really want to make, and if it has seaming, then so be it.  if it has a chart, then i guess i will learn how to read charts....but, i WILL make the sweater that i WANT, not one that i feel that i have to settle for.  one that is worthy of this beautiful irish yarn....so, off to shop the internet again.

wow...there is a BEAUTIFUL one that i really want to make called jade....too bad it is only in size medium.  too bad i am not a size medium.  it is the pattern i would have chosen....search some more.....then i came up with a beautiful classic cabled aran cardigan called alexi. 

http://www.berroco.com/exclusives/alexi_card_scarf/alexi_card_scarf.html    it even says skill level: experienced.  and i still chose it!!!  hip hip hooray!  it may not be done perfectly, but it will be done, and what i don't know how to do, i will learn how to do nicely--and, there CAN be a learning curve--i don't have to have it mastered the first time i try something....and, it will be done, and i will put it out there for the world to see that i have declared it done, and good enough....and, most importantly, that it doesn't matter what "they" think anyway....i mean really, are "they" even judging me anyway???  no....

i will probably eventually make the BPT because i really do like it, and, i do have some really pretty cotton that will work nicely for it...but for now, it is forge ahead with my alexi....already i am on row 23!!!    now, how's tht for progress??  and, there is only one mistake in there so far, and guess what?? i am leaving it, because i know that that represents growth for me--hip hip hooray!